Minimising the impact of divorce for children

How can we minimise the impact of divorce or separation on our children?

It is sometimes easy for parents to get caught up in the reasons for their separating and to lose focus on the impact of divorce or separation on children's development. You should try your best, wherever you can, to try to see things from your child's perspective rather than your own. You should try to appreciate that any issues that you might have with how your former partner might have behaved towards you in your relationship is a separate issue to your child's relationship with their other parent.  

The Family Justice Young People's Board (FJYPB) is a group of over 75 children and young people aged between 7 and 25 who have experience of the family courts and who help inform the government about improvements which can be made to the system. Some of them have shared a set of top tips for separating parents to help parents see matters from their perspective:

1. Remember I have the right to see both of my parents as long as it is safe for me.
2. I can have a relationship with the partner of my other parent without this changing my love for you.
3. Try to have good communication with my other parent because it will help me. Speak to them nicely.
4. Keep my other parent updated about my needs and what is happening for me. I might need their help too.
5. Don’t say bad things about my other parent, especially if I can hear. Remember I can often overhear your conversations or see your social media comments.
6. Remember it is ok for me to love and have a relationship with my other parent.
7. Don’t make me feel guilty about spending time with my other parent.
8. Don’t make permanent decisions about my life based on how you feel at the moment. Think about how I feel now and how I might feel in the future. My wishes might change.
9. Be open to change, be flexible and compromise when agreeing arrangements for me.
10. Its okay with me if my parents don’t do things exactly the same. You are both different and that’s alright with me.
11. Don’t be possessive over me and the things that belong to me. Make it easy for me to take the things I need when I spend time with my other parent, such as schoolwork, PE kits, clothes, books, games, phone etc. Let me choose what I want to take with me.
12. Keep me informed about any changes to my arrangements.
13. Try not to feel hurt if I choose to spend time with my friends instead of seeing you. I am growing up!
14. Remember that important dates (birthdays, celebrations, parents evening, sports day etc) are special to you, me and my other parent. I may want to share my time on those dates with each of you.
15. Work out between you and my other parent who is responsible for the extra things I need, such as new school shoes and uniform, school trips, dinner money and the cost of my hobbies or after school activities. I don’t want to be involved in this.
16. Remember that I don’t expect you or my other parent to be perfect, so I don't want you to expect my other parent to be perfect either. Accept mistakes and move on.
17. Make sure I am not left out of key family events. Please compromise with my other parent so I can join in.
18. Please don’t stop me having contact with extended family members who are important to me. Ask me how I feel about them. Don’t assume my feelings are the same as yours
19. Don’t use me as a messenger between you and my other parent.
20. Don’t use my relationship with my other parent against me, or them.
21. Don’t ask me to lie to my other parent or other family members.
22. Don’t ask me to lie to professionals, or to say what you want me to say.
23. Don't make me scared to say what I think about my arrangements for fear of being told off or treated badly by you if you don't agree.
24. Remember that I might want something different to my brother or sister.
25. Don’t worry about how others see you or what they think. I am what matters.