National Grandparents Day in the UK – celebrating the grandparent-grandchild bond

The 'grandparent-grandchild' relationship is a truly unique one.  As a father of two young children, I have been reminded again of this special bond and the immeasurable contribution which grandparents can make to family life.  On 6 October, we celebrate National Grandparents Day. It is a day (originally founded by Age Concern UK) to put grandparents in the spotlight and a chance for families to say 'thank you'.

There are often many reasons for thanks, for the love, support, advice (some wanted and some unwanted, perhaps!) and time grandparents give to their grandchildren, but for many families, especially those with separated parents, the thanks may go much further than that. In the family law arena, statistics have shown that approximately one in three families rely on grandparents for childcare (higher in single parent households) and case law demonstrates how grandparents often play a pivotal role in their grandchildren's lives but sometimes pay an emotional and financial cost when this relationship is challenged by their adult children's divorce and parental separation.

A report in 2020¹ which used data from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing, looked at when, how and why and how grandparents looked after their grandchildren in the UK. In terms of when – grandparent commitment is often substantial, with 50% of those surveyed looking after grandchildren throughout the year and one in 6 on weekdays or weekends during the school term. When asked how grandparents spent time with their grandchildren and what activities they did – those surveyed talked of cooking, leisure activities, homework, collecting children from school and nursery and looking after them when unwell. And as for why,  most grandparents surveyed said it was to help parents to work or to give them a break. The enrichment children receive, not just in spending time with grandparents but in the transmission of love, values, skills, support, politeness, manners, self-sufficiency and a sense of identity are too valuable to measure. Many grandparents also provide financial support during their adult children's marriage / relationship and on separation. 

This may not come as a surprise, but what is surprising to many, is that our family law, the Children Act 1989, does not contain any rights and responsibilities which grandparents have for their grandchildren when the children's parents split up. If there is a disagreement about when and whether grandchildren spend time with their grandparents, it can be bewildering and disempowering.

Grandparent involvement is of course usually positive, but a recently reported family judgment highlights what can go wrong when grandparent involvement morphs into something else. The family courts often look to grandparents to act as a useful bridge between their divorcing adult child and the other parent but sometimes, grandparents' actions can be detrimental to their own grandchildren.  In this judgment (DR v ES [2024]) the judge had to determine the financial remedy claims in which a husband's parents intervened in the proceedings to protect their financial interests. There had been long and expensive private Children Act proceedings already and the judge held that the grandparents had played a role in the psychological manipulation and alienation of the children from the mum by the dad.  So significant were the findings that the judge prevented the children from having any contact at all with the grandparents for at least 3 months and she invited them to engage in family therapy as a precondition for resuming contact with their grandchildren. They declined and so contact had ceased altogether. This was plainly a very tragic situation for all.  But the judgment was made based on the children's welfare. The Judge found that the paternal grandparents had consciously and knowingly acted in a way which was detrimental to the best interests of their own grandchildren.  Such cases are rare, but they do shine a light on what happens when boundaries are ignored and the interests of children are not kept as the highest priority.

So what can you do, if spending time with your grandchildren becomes a concern? If things go awry, it is important know your 'when's, how's and why' s'….

When to bring up the subject? 

Relationship breakdown is tough on everyone concerned. Don’t act with indecent haste, but do take steps (even if they are small ones) quickly. Your adult children will be facing all manner of challenges, emotional, financial and practical in dealing with the loss of their relationship and working out how best to reconfigure the family. Be sensitive to that, but put the needs of your grandchildren, as well as your adult children, at the top of the agenda. Try to remain future- focussed about how best to move forward in this new family landscape. Kinship is a charity supporting grandparents and other family members involved in caring for children when their parents can't and it has a useful section if you are a grandparent who is worried about losing or has lost touch with grandchildren and Grandparents Rights has some helpful resources and support groups.

How? 

The best option is for any impasse or difficulties to be resolved through family discussions where possible, either helped by a trusted family member, third party, or trained mediator. In fact, family mediation can help build foundations for positive future relationships and repair/shore up communication channels between the generations. It is often the best way to reconnect and secure and sustain relationships which grandparents have worked so hard to build up with their grandchildren. If this doesn’t work (and there has been a recent rule change requiring those who wish to make an application for contact with a child requiring that mediation and other non-court dispute resolution options are explored first) then an application can be made by a grandparent to ask the court for permission to apply for a court order ('a child arrangements order') to see their grandchild. And in the absence of an agreement, the court (a judge) will decide whether a grandparent can spend time with their grandchild and if so, what that will mean on the ground – letters, telephone, facetime, or face to face – always on the basis that it is in the child's best interests. That can be costly, financially, and emotionally, but is the only option for some families. The family team at Withers frequently act for grandparents seeking 'contact' orders and in some case special guardianship orders are granted to grandparents, providing them with parental responsibility alongside the parents. Just as each family is unique, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. The key is to ensure that you have explored all of the options so that you can choose what suits you and your family situation best. You can find out more about all of these options with our Divorce and family FAQs, and on our Divorce, separation and finances page.  

Why?

Yes, it may initially seem overwhelming and scary - watching your adult child go through divorce or separation, concern for them and also worrying about how your relationship with your grandchildren will be affected – is hard. But there is a lot of information and support out there, for them and for you and the family team at Withers has the expertise, whether through mediation, parenting agreements, solicitor negotiation or court proceedings, to see that this precious, integral, wonderful relationship continues to thrive. 

Footnotes: 

¹Gi Gessa, Zaninotto and Glaser