Children's Mental Health Week UK 2024: During family separation, children should have a voice, but should they have a choice?

Children's Mental Health Week UK 2024: During family separation, children should have a voice, but should they have a choice?

'My Voice Matters' is the theme of this year's Children's Mental Health week, masterminded by the charity Place2Be.

Children's voices can go unheard in a family separation and breakdown, and that can affect their mental health, both short term and much longer term.  There is a lot of information, advice and support out there, but for many families, it is still not accessible or filtering through – or, in some cases, parents may not agree if and how their children's voices should be heard and interpreted. 

Mental health impact

Parental separation is one of the main reasons for children being referred to counselling services in the UK.  Children need to know it is OK to talk about their feelings, feel listened to and acknowledged.  They need their parents to protect them from grown up worries and responsibilities.  They need to be encouraged to speak up and ask questions.

Parental separation can be a trauma for children, and it is one that parents have a duty to minimise.  Conflict and absence are the two big factors affecting children's mental health when their parents' relationship breaks down.  Some studies have shown boys are more likely to be impacted in the short-term, while girls are more vulnerable to the longer term effects into early adulthood.  There can be re-grieving at a big change or event, like going off to university.

Place2Be has some top tips on its website both from children and to children about how to talk about and improve their mental health.  

Voicing arrangements after parental separation 

Some psychologists firmly believe that giving children 'too much' say about their arrangements after parental separation can in fact be detrimental to their mental health.  Children want to have rights but not responsibilities, they say, and children need boundaries.  Yes, their voices should be heard, but that does not mean that what they say goes.  Others argue that children should be much more involved in the process, consulted, included and even formally advised.

The Children Act 1989 refers to the children's 'ascertainable wishes and feelings' being one of a range of factors the court should consider before it makes an order about where a child should live and spend time. 

We can all think of examples of things children might voice strong views – like the song from Matilda 'When I grow up, I will eat sweets every day' and 'I will watch cartoons until my eyes go square and I won't care, 'cause I'll be all grown up'.  

No doubt most children would love the thought of unlimited access to screens, teens would opt to stay glued to their phones, primary age children might vote for no school all year.  But is that best for them?  These may seem trite examples, but there can be a real difference between what children want (or believe they want) and what is best for them, and it is for the grown-ups involved to grapple with that and take on the responsibility and accountability for decision-making.

Even those children mature beyond their years may not understand the significant implications of what they want now.  What is the impact on a 13-year-old girl, who with no safeguarding concerns, decides she doesn’t want to see her father, because she thinks that is what her mum wants?  Research suggests teenage girls tend to internalise their feelings, and are impacted in the longer term, for example in early adulthood.  

In my view, separated parents need to take note of insight offered by grown-up 'children' who are out the other side: adults whose parents divorced in their childhood.   

Ensuring that children have the space and place to voice their worries and wants must be a priority for all families and their professional advisors (be they lawyers, mediators or therapists).  It is important to listen attentively and carefully without putting the responsibility on their shoulders; give children a voice not a choice.

Resolution, the association of family lawyers, has a traffic light system to help guide parents how much involvement to give children when it comes to decision making: 

• green decisions (for example, which friends do they want to see, what do they want for lunch) can be child-led;
• amber decisions (for example, what time do they go to bed, how much screen time should they have) can take the child's views into account, and let them have a say; and
• red decisions (for example, how do they divide their time, where do they live) should not be decisions made by children, but should be made with fairness in mind.

Parents' role

The Parents Promise charity encourages all parents (even those who are still together) to make a promise to their children at the outset that, whatever happens: 'we promise to put your needs first… we will never make you choose between us… we will never hurt or tell lies about each other'.

Feeling heard, loved and safe is fundamentally important to a child's mental health, and particularly during the destabilising and unsettling time of family separation.  But listening to a child's voice and actioning what that voice says are not always the same.

There is no quick answer to all of this, but Children's Mental Health week gives us a reason to remember that 'My Voice Matters' and also the many nuances behind it.

Place2Be have published resources for schools, families and parents this week – designed to empower, equip and give a voice to all children and young people, and encourage us all to work together to create positive change for their mental wellbeing.